I mixed up my counseling session time, and had to miss it.
Two of my favorite people in this world, a couple, is leaving with their family to exactly halfway around the world as missionaries. Been crying off and on all day! Everytime I think about it I just lose it, love them so much. Those two taught me more about living life loud, boldness in Christ, and just trusting God's plan and going for it than any other.
I feel so trapped at times, my friends are moving on and starting their lives and I am still in the same place with no end in sight. Don't worry, I've still got this incredibly unnatural peace about it all!
Another chapter. it's unfinished.
May 31, 2010 Journal
My heart aches to ride. It doesn't always seem fair, my friends are planning their summers and going about their lives while mine seems to be crawling along behind theirs, moving forward but continuously being left behind. Many weeks I cannot even venture out of my house without heavily paying for it. Really not feeling well tonight, I hate lying still and feeling every single odd rhythm my heart conjures up and feeling my pulse pumping hard in a dozen spots at once. Having a dysautonomia makes your brain feel like it is going to fly out of your head. There is no easy way to describe how downright odd it makes you feel. And when you are trying to sleep, you notice so acutely just how uncomfortable the symptoms are.
So I turn to riding in my thoughts. I am so grateful that I can remember so well what it feels like to really ride. And so I dream my agony away…
I feel Apryl pulling against my hands, anxious to explode forward. The supple leather runs through my thin fingers. I squeeze lightly, first with my right fingers then with my left. She responds by rounding her neck and back and dropping her head in submission, thus using her body and relaxing. I shorten my reins a touch more and all at once I kiss and squeeze my legs against her sides, without bothering to follow up with a second squeeze from one leg to signal which lead I anted, as we were on a straight path down the center field. As I expected, she picks up her favorite lead, the left. I lifted my weight slightly out of my tack, adjusting to the new center of gravity as Apryl's delicate legs turn into rods of iron, punching the ground. If I close my eyes, an breathe deeply I can feel her bounding forward, all the tiem asking for more rein. I can hear the wind whistling in my ears. Apryl feels as though she would go on and on without stopping, carrying me anywhere I pleased: so long as we're galloping! The feeling in your hands when a horses is running with all their might against them is electric, and it makes one feel as though the whole earth is sweeping you along in a wild embrace. I smile, and let out my hands another inch..."come on girl!"
Tears were streaming down my face. I wanted to ride again, myself. Not watch others or relive old dreams. But old dreams are all that I have, and making the best of them is the only option. My second choice is one I won't even consider: a life of self pity and bitterness. I would rather live a sick and slow life than a healthy and angry one. I know many people who appear as though they should be happy, yet they are miserable. However many chronically ill people seem to be happy, or rather have joy. Happiness is wrapped in material possessions and the satisfying of self. Joy is the strength inside to always find the silver lining, to always love your friends and just have a peace in your heart. Joy is not putting a phony smile on and grinning and bearing it, joy allows for pain where happiness only gives room for perfection.
That night, I allowed myself to question and be upset. Because I HAVE lost a lot, and I'm not going to pretend that life is always good and always perfect. But I don't have a desire for perfection, if I can say I've lived a life sold out to my King and had days filled with laughter and friendship, then I can say that I have lived a fulfilled life. I don't need things to be easy to have joy. I am often asked if I'm really this "happy" or if my smile is "for real". Whenever I am asked this, I find myself gazing off into the distance into the proverbial eyes of my Savior and smiling inside, because I have the most intense peace no matter where I am. Sometimes that peace feels buried beyond recovery, but I soon see that the bulb lighting it up had gone out and it was not out of reach. It is an unexplainable peace, one that tells me each and every day that this is not all that God has in store for me, that this is not where my story ends. It's a peace that whispers hope and encouragement, and never tells me I can't. This feeling is combined with the knowledge that one day I will have no more sickness, no more handicaps. Whether that is in Heaven or on this earth I do not know, but either way I know that His plan is so perfect, and God has truly made it easy for me to accept where I am at but to also look forward with all the hope of the future. My fight is not over, and while I may need to sit in the corner to be built up again, I am not down for the count. This isn't me talking brave or putting on a tough girl front, this is I expressing my deepest heart song. The One who is in there singing it does not make mistakes and keeps my spirit alive each and every time I breathe.
I know that this is not easily explained or understood, but honestly I am ok with people not understanding it because it does not matter what any one thinks. It all comes down to my heart and what I know is in it. I would love for everyone in my life to understand but I know that it is only something that comes through the Refiner's fire. I may not be healthy, but I feel so well. So complete, so loved, so fulfilled. God has led some amazing people into my life and really ministered to them through me, and here is to hoping that I didn't mess anything up. But when we are striving to do His well, I don’t think we can mess it up! What a comfort that is!
Truly, being sick has blessed me more than if I had been well, not because God made me sick but because He can use any situation for His glory, and make an amazing out come with it. I wish you could see the people that I have met and interact with them feeling the bond that we have because of what we have gone through together, or because of similar experiences. Until you have felt that